You Know You Watch Too Much Wrestling If…
Published June 1st, 2008 in Almanac
 When you go to a Japanese restaurant, you start a “USA! USA!” chant.
When you girlfriend dumps you, you tell her she couldn’t “play with the big boys”, and that she will never get past mid-card status.
When you search & search the bible for the book of Austin.
If you can actually remember Sting’s last public words
If on a job application, you state your residence as “parts unknown”
If you quit your Job because you have to find your “Smile”
When you’re getting beat up in a bar fight, but you honestly believe that with a little crowd support, you can turn this thing around.
When you won’t leave the bathroom until they play your theme music.
If you hit your co-worker in head with a chair while your manager is distracting him.
When you look for Sting on the back of the milk carton during breakfast.
When a guy steals your girl, you consider it an angle.
When you rack your neighbour’s dog.
When you attend a graduation, and yell “Ooooooh yeah!” when ‘Pomp and Circumstance’ plays.
When you are involved in a bar fight with a guy twice your size and you think your best line of attack is putting the Tongan death grip on him.
When you put up your wife or girlfriend up in a card game for 30 days if you lose.
When you go to a dance and start dancing like Alex Wright.
You watch car racing in order to see Bob “sparkplug” Holly
When you try to put your kids to bed with a sleeper hold.
When you wear your Macho Man foam hat out in public
When you win an award and immediately spray paint “nWo” on it.
When you rate women on a scale of Chyna to Sunny.
When you begin to shake someone’s hand in public but then hesitate to look for the crowd’s response.
When you get into a real fight and you blade.
When you do heel turns on your best friends for no reason
If whenever you walk into a party you tell them to “cut the music”
When anytime anybody asks you a question, you “grab the mike” and yell, “MEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAN GEEEEEEEEEEEEEENEE”
When you die you moustache blond while leaving your beard black.
If you keep waiting for run-ins during boxing matches
After an argument with a friend, you shake hands, hug each other and then after you raise both yours and your friend’s arms in the air, as he looks to the side, you clothesline him.
If you think John the Baptist Bladed.
If you wonder why Bob Backlund’s campaign for the presidency never got any press.
If you carry a foreign object in your underwear.
When you go into work you insult everyone you see just to draw heat.
If you’re a Honky Tonk Man impersonator instead of an Elvis impersonator.
If you wore spiked shoulder pads during a football game
If you really think it’s cool to wear a wrestling t-shirt out in public
If you loose a job, you change your look and name before starting a new one.
When you are working for that other company, your old boss is constantly badmouthing you to customers.
If you find out that you have been fired by calling up the company’s hotline.
If you purposely blade yourself while shaving.
If you suspect your best friend is just setting you up for a heel turn
When before a fight, you give away a pair of sunglasses to a kid
When you put your kids to bed, you tell them to “Rest In Peace”
When you go to a funeral and assume that the deceased just lost a Casket Match
When your king-size bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it.
If you walk into church and slap people’s hands in the pews while walking down the aisle.
If you paint your face and don’t speak to your co-workers
When you go to your daughter’s softball game and start a “we want blood” chant.
If you get into an argument with a friend at work and challenge him to a loser must retire match.
When you see a fight in the streets and call the moves.
If at a ceremony at your work to give out awards to the employee of the year, you “turn” and slam a chair across the recipient of the award’s head… then you immediately grab the mic and start talking about how YOU deserved the award.
If you refer to all the women in your work area your valets
If you insist that your professor grades you on your marketability, the ppv buyrate and the pop you get when you walk into lecture
When you keep flour in your underpants (just in case).
If you refer to The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal as rag sheets.
If you wondered why Vince didn’t borrow money from Ted DiBiase to prevent WCW from “buying”it’s wrestlers
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