Welcome to the inaugural edition of The Dean’s List! This will be an article looking at the light and amusing side of wrestling in a ‘David Letterman – Top 10 List’ kind of way. My name is Dean Allan and I am a comedian at heart, so I tend to see humor in just about everything. And let me tell you, there are fewer places that have as much raw (pun intended) humor as the WWE! So I really hope you enjoy this article. And there’s more to come if you, the reader, so demand it.
Today I’d like to take a look at the constant and never-ending commentary concerning John Cena being thrown into a ‘7000 watt search light’. Let me say that again – a ‘7000 watt search light’. Can you believe that The Big Show threw John Cena into a ‘7000 watt search light’?! And if you didn’t catch it being said on last night’s Monday Night Raw – The Big Show maliciously threw John Cena into a ‘7000 watt search light’!!!
I believe Lawler and Cole talked about Cena being thrown into a ‘7000 watt search light’ roughly 5 times on the show last night within a 2 minute period. I was about to reach into my TV screen and beat the crown off of Lawler. Have you seen this ‘7000 watt search light’? It’s a headlight surrounded by padding from a baby’s crib! And hey, when it happened I thought it was a great stunt! The effect was great and it was pretty shocking to see Cena thrown into the glass like that. But gang, a ‘7000 watt search light’? Please! The same crew that sets up the ring slapped the ‘search light’ together. My guess is that they probably used Vickie Guerrero’s empty jelly bean tub as the search light base and then went to Home Depot for the rest of the products needed to build that mammoth illumination station.
Now, we all love this thing called wrestling, and so we go along with the things they tell us. Like the brutal Kendo stick that’s really made of balsa wood, the ‘solid steel’ trash can made of tin and finally, Satan’s playground, the Elimination Chamber made from 10 tons of forged steel. We all know that it’s made from Cryme Tyme’s old necklaces.
So for my first Dean’s List I’ve decided to discuss the Top 10 other uses for that ‘7000 watt search light’ that John Cena was so viciously thrown into by the Big Show!
The top 10 uses for the ‘7000 watt search light’:
10. A hot dog heating lamp at 7-11!
9. A head light…for my kid’s 10 speed.
8. Kizarny can take the leftover scrap metal and turn it in for the recycling refund. (He’s going to need all the extra money he can get as his wrestling skills are about as good as my 88 year old grandma’s!)
7. I believe it was used at the Premier of ‘12 Rounds’. Maybe that was the problem. No one saw the light, no one came.
6. New match at the Extreme Rules PPV – “the leftover shards of broken glass from the 7000 watt search light match”. It just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?
5. They can focus the ‘search light’ onto Santina’s body, revealing that she has the exact same tattoos as her ‘brother’. Wow, when is that nightmare going to end, huh?!
4. Dolph Ziggler can use the base as his hair gel container.
3. Hornswaggle can use the padding as a bed.
2. Mike Knox can use the broken glass as a make-shift razor. Dude, at least ‘Manscape’ that beard a smidge.
…and the #1 other use for the ‘7000 watt search light’ is…
1. 2 words – Night Light!